My Couch Potato

Speaking as an Alpha girl, who has had a full life of achievements at just 34-years-old, I worry that my teenagers are, well...lazy. My 13-year-old seems to have a serious lack of ambition. From finishing an art project to completing his homework, he lacks the drive to succeed.

I realize that he is still just a teenager, but I am not talking about not wanting to clean his room. I mean he lacks even the drive to do simple things. Like brush his teeth or take a shower. He just doesn't want to do it.

In my family, we have a fun discussion called, "What can I do when I grow up?" It can be anything we want, silly, serious, or just simple. My daughter want to design clothes and direct a play. My oldest son wants to be a doctor and travel to Japan, My youngest son wants to be Spiderman (he's six). But my 13-year-old just shrugs his shoulders, he has no plan for his future.

He's not interested in anything, and I am worried. I can't figure out how to give him a love for life. And I can't figure out why he is this way.

P.U.R.E. (Parents Universal Resource Experts) gives a few causes for lack of motivation in teenagers:

• The teens that go to school for their social life, are usually the underachievers and lack motivation for academics. These are students that can do the work, are highly intelligent, but have decided that their friends are more important.


• An underachiever can also be the child that doesn't want to go to school. In some cases they are distracted by emotional issues, or are not challenged enough in school.


• There may also be some learning disabilities not diagnosed. It is wise to have your child tested to see if this could be holding them back academically.

The website explains that in order to be a proactive parent, we should seek out resources to use that will help our children be more active in learning and their future.

For resources to help motivate your teen go to
http://www.helpyourteens.com/lack_of_motivation_and_underachievers.html
http://life.familyeducation.com/achievement/teen/48437.html

To Work or Not to Work

My teenage sons want to get a job, but I am worried that they are not ready. I fear that they will be overwhelmed with schoolwork, friends and the responsibility of working. When will they have time for family if they are working? But they are adamant they want their own money.

I want to teach my children to have a good work ethic, but at what expense? I don't want their grades to slip. If they fall off the honor roll, they won't be able to go to college because they can't get a scholarship. What is more important?

Familyeducation.com gives some points to consider when deciding if it is the right time for your teen to get a job.

• Working more than 13 to 20 hours a week is associated with lower grades.
• Teens who work too many hours find it difficult to keep up extracurricular activities and social relationships.
• Some studies have found that teens who work long hours are more likely to engage in such risky activities as using illegal drugs or alcohol—in part because they are exposed to older coworkers who lead them astray.
• teenager's job can teach work skills that will serve him well in college and prepare him for careers in adulthood.
• He can acquire confidence, develop a sense of responsibility and feel more independent.
• Studies find that students who work a moderate amount—no more than 10 to 15 hours a week during the school year—tend to earn higher grades than those who don't work at all.
• Earning money will enable him to buy things he wants and will provide an opportunity for learning responsible money management.
• If you and your spouse work outside the home, an after-school job can give him adult supervision in those crucial afternoon hours.
• The right job—or jobs—may expose him to new work possibilities and set him on the path to a lifetime career.

I guess it really depends on what you are willing to risk and weighing how important it is to your child.

I did finally decide that next year, as long as my son keeps his grade point average up, he may get a job. However, he can only work 10 hours a week, and he has to set aside family time each week.

For more information on this go to http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/jobs-and-chores/36446.html?detoured=1

"Mom, I think I'm gay."

Parents often say that being a parent is the hardest thing they have ever had to do. When my kids were little I used to think it was tiring but not so difficult I couldn't handle it. Now that my children are older, the day to day is not so tough, but the serious life questions are almost unbearable sometimes. The questions have moved from "can I go outside and play?" to "Which elective should I take to ensure I get into the college I want?"

My oldest sons latest heart stopper was, "Mom, I think I'm gay." I smiled at first, then I realized he was serious. I had no idea what to say to him. It seems I feel like that a lot as my boys get closer to adulthood.

The strangest part is that my family and I have always secretly joked about my oldest son being gay, ever since he was about 2-years-old. He was always my little "girly man." This was what we called him for years.

He didn't dress up in my clothes or anything, he was just always a little more feminine than his brothers. He is my sensitive child, the one that takes care of everyone. My 13-year old has already had a few girlfriends and is already preoccupied with the girls at his school. But my oldest has never mentioned a girl he liked or even thought about having a girlfriend.

With all of this, I was never really open to the idea that my son may be gay. That kind of thing happens to other families, not mine. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with the thought that I may be in over my head a little with these four kids of mine.

What I need is to understand what my role in all this is. Do I try and convince him that he is not gay? Or do I support him and possibly imprint that idea in his head. A part of me says that if I accept this, then he will too and that will seal his fate.


Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, or PFLAG (pflag.org) says that if your child is conflicted with their sexuality, a good place to start is to make sure the parent is approachable. (Well, I think I got that covered, because he already told me). Followed that with statements of acceptance and stay away from comments that may be judgemental or demeaning.

I didn't realize how many teenagers were going through the same thing my son is feeling. According to familyeducation.com, one in every ten teenagers are gay. Letting my son know that seemed to bring him a great relief.

I also learned that many teenagers, like my son, feel depressed or even suicidal because of their uncertain sexuality. My son hasn't said anything about being suicidal, but he has expressed symptoms of depression because of the fear of what others may think of him.

That was my first concern when I realized my son may be gay, how would others treat him. The thought of that was so painful, I could hardly bear it.

The first action I took was to call a therapist, I thought this would help him the best. I needed to understand what homosexuality really is in order to better help my son.

According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, "Parents need to clearly understand that homosexual orientation is not a mental disorder.

I learned that my son's possible homosexuality is not a disease or mental problem, it is a part of who he is. Whoever that person is, I love him and my job as his mother is to make sure he knows that. I love every part of him, even his homosexuality.

For parenting help on homosexuality go to
http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/sexuality/36545.html

My Teens First Broken Heart

I found out my son had his first girlfriend the day she broke his heart. His beautiful blue eyes were filled with tears as he told me how his sweetheart wanted to be with someone else. Even worse, the person she wanted to "go out" with was his best friend. I was lost. I had no idea what to say to him.

I knew that any girl he dated while in middle school would never be someone he would live happily ever after with, but I knew I couldn't say that to him. As hurt as he was, it just didn't seem appropriate to tell him all about puppy love. His heartbreak was real, even if the love wasn't.

I was lost and searching for answers when I learned that teen relationships need to be taken seriously. Even puppy love can have harmful effects.

“Some relationships may seem so intense and so necessary that teenagers harm themselves when the relationship ends,” says Norma Clarke, MD, a child psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic.

What I wanted to know was what to say to my son after his break-up. Christine Langlois, Canadianliving.com, gave some advice on how to handle a broken hearted teen.

• Don't trivialize your teen's pain. Saying it is only puppy love will not make them feel better.


• Let them know they are still lovable. Communicate this by words or actions.


• Don't make observations about how bad the relationship was.


• Be supportive and available.

What I realized was, that maybe my son didn't want me to say anything. He just wanted me to listen and be there for him. So I made his favorite dinner and made him laugh. Later I made sure he knew that all girls were not going to leave him for his friend and encouraged him to date again.

For more advice on parenting break-ups go to

http://http//www.supernanny.com/Advice/-/Your-tween-and-teen/-/Development-and-learning/Help-your-teen-cope-with-a-break~up.aspx

Rated R movies, yes or no?

Our rule in the house is, you must be 17-years-old to watch a rated R movie. My teen sons are often trying to convince me that rated R movies will not hurt them. Once in a while, I cave in, only if I have seen it before and I know there is no nudity. But I wonder sometimes what all that violence they watch can do to them.

I was raised in a house that did not censor anything I watched. I still remember the first time I ran across a rated R movie. It was about a zoo keeper that was attacked by a crazed tiger. The tiger tore the zoo keeper's arm off. I still remember all the blood, and have been afraid to let my leg hang over the side of my bed ever since.

Even still, I don't think watching those violent movies made me a violent person. I have never felt the urge to cause pain on another person in my life and I watch rated R movies all the time.

My worry is the nudity and sex in films. I worry that my children will get the wrong impression about what sex really means. Movies make sex seem so casual. It really desensitizes the act.

But what can parents do? There is violence and sex in movies that aren't rated R. There is violence, nudity and sex innuendo in cartoons even! Sometimes I want to throw away the television for fear of what my children may flip to.

Has television really poisoned our children? Or maybe I am just overprotective.

Previous studies show that the effects of violent video media increased aggression and lessened sensitivity toward violence acts. But rated R movies are effecting our children in more ways than we realize.

A research group at Dartmouth found that teens that watch Rated R movies are three times more likely to consume alcohol and smoke tobacco. It's true! Teens that watched rated R movies were more likely to smoke cigarettes.

So the rule will stay the same at my house. Even though I feel that violent movies haven't changed me, it is still not worth the risk.

To read more about the study go to

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20040706/r-rated-movies-linked-teen-smoking?src=rss_foxnews

http://www.dartmouth.edu/~news/releases/2002/dec/122302.html

Teen Alcohol Use

Alcohol is the most popular drug of choice among teens in the U.S. I was surprised to find that half of junior high age teens drink on a regular basis, according to medicinenet.com. That seems so young.

With two teens in junior high, how do I keep them from drinking when everyone they know drinks? Underage drinking can be dangerous, we all know that. However, I didn't know that it can damage the growing body of a teenager significantly.

Teens body's are changing and growing rapidly. Their hormones are changing and their brains are developing. Studies show that some alcohol dependant children had problems with short-term memory loss, learning problems and a greater risk of becoming an alcoholic. This was published by the U.S. government publication of Prevention Alert.

Other problems that can develop from underage drinking according to the Medicine Net website are

• Car Accidents. A teenager is still new to driving, add alcohol and there chance to crash increases.
• Suicide. Three times the amount of girls that drank heavily said they attempted suicide than girls that did not drink.
• Unprotected sex. Teens that drink alcohol are more likely to have sex.
• Other drug use. Drinking can lead to other drug use like marijuana, cocaine or heroin.

The best way to prevent teen drinking is communication. Let your teenager know about the risks of drinking. Tell them what your expectations are. Supervising your teens and knowing who they are spending time with is the best thing you can do to prevent your teens from underage drinking.

http://www.robertperkinson.com/

http://www.medicinenet.com/alcohol_and_teens/article.htm

Teen Sibling Rivalry

I have talked many times on the blog about my 14-year-old son, (who is almost 15) but I failed to mention that I have not one, but two teens. I have another son that is new to being a teen, he is 13-years-old.

I also have two younger children who are 9 and 6-years-old. That many siblings can be a full house and a lot of fun, but it can be a nightmare too. When the younger ones fight, it's easy to intercept. Separating them works very well. When the older ones fight, it's like civil war. The pubescent hormones make negotiation obsolete.

Not only are they not cute anymore, but they are bigger and stronger than they were before they hit puberty. They are smarter too, they are better at jabbing hurtful words at each other.
My biggest fear is that they are doing long term damage to their relationship as brothers. My other fear is that they will do physical damage to one another, or bystanders in the path of the tornado.

It makes me wonder if they really hate each other or if this is something every family goes through.

Michelle Borba from the "Today's Show" posted some tips and reasons for sibling rivalry on her website.

• One third of adults confess that they had sibling rivalry. Studies show that rivalry among sibs can actually help them learn to deal with relationships in the outside world.
• Don't show favoritism. Research shows that children can spot when parents show preference for one child. This can often lead to jealousy, which leads to rivalry.
• Share time equally among all children. For example, don't overlook older children when a newborn joins the family. Make sure they get as much attention as the "cute new baby."
• Stress conflict resolution. Teach them to solve their own problems, but don't let it get out of control. For example, teach them to take turns with a favorite video game or riding in the front seat.

The one thing I learned from others about sibling rivalry is that it takes years to learn to behave in a relationship. Things like compassion, jealousy and kindness are hard to learn.

When I feel like the referee, I remind myself that this is a "teaching opportunity" to guide my children toward healthy relationships. I take deep breaths and try to take one bicker at a time.