Teen Sibling Rivalry

I have talked many times on the blog about my 14-year-old son, (who is almost 15) but I failed to mention that I have not one, but two teens. I have another son that is new to being a teen, he is 13-years-old.

I also have two younger children who are 9 and 6-years-old. That many siblings can be a full house and a lot of fun, but it can be a nightmare too. When the younger ones fight, it's easy to intercept. Separating them works very well. When the older ones fight, it's like civil war. The pubescent hormones make negotiation obsolete.

Not only are they not cute anymore, but they are bigger and stronger than they were before they hit puberty. They are smarter too, they are better at jabbing hurtful words at each other.
My biggest fear is that they are doing long term damage to their relationship as brothers. My other fear is that they will do physical damage to one another, or bystanders in the path of the tornado.

It makes me wonder if they really hate each other or if this is something every family goes through.

Michelle Borba from the "Today's Show" posted some tips and reasons for sibling rivalry on her website.

• One third of adults confess that they had sibling rivalry. Studies show that rivalry among sibs can actually help them learn to deal with relationships in the outside world.
• Don't show favoritism. Research shows that children can spot when parents show preference for one child. This can often lead to jealousy, which leads to rivalry.
• Share time equally among all children. For example, don't overlook older children when a newborn joins the family. Make sure they get as much attention as the "cute new baby."
• Stress conflict resolution. Teach them to solve their own problems, but don't let it get out of control. For example, teach them to take turns with a favorite video game or riding in the front seat.

The one thing I learned from others about sibling rivalry is that it takes years to learn to behave in a relationship. Things like compassion, jealousy and kindness are hard to learn.

When I feel like the referee, I remind myself that this is a "teaching opportunity" to guide my children toward healthy relationships. I take deep breaths and try to take one bicker at a time.